A Cynic’s Guide to the PGA Merchandise Show

Written by: Tony Korologos | Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014
Categories: Miscellaneous • PGA Merchandise Show

Boobs are the best way to sell golf equipment… Click to expand, if you have a big enough monitor.

Though I am not at the 2014 PGA Merchandise Show this week, I can tell you everything that is going to happen there. Here’s a bullet list of some of the highlights one can expect at the PGA Show:

Every golf company’s new and bestest awesome driver ever in the universe will be longer than ever! BOOM! LONG! BIG! POW! LONG LONG LONG!
Every golf ball manufacturer’s ball is the longest ever and has more spin for control around the greens! More control and more distance, every year! How do they do it!?!?!?
Puma will have a DJ and the guys across at FootJoy will be deaf by the end of the show! Boom-tis boom-tis boom-tis… OOOHHHHH YEAH!
Some golf companies will attract visitors to their booths with hired local strippers! Yay for strippers! Booth babes! Problem is, the visitors will never remember the company or its offerings: “Hey Bob, remember the boobs on those two blonds at that one booth? I can’t remember the company, but I sure remember those boobs!”
Many first-time companies will display puzzling products, like golf club stands. Why they decided to blow their life savings on a booth at the show for a product which can’t even garner $5 on ebay is beyond me.
Companies and entrepreneurs who don’t have enough money for a booth will be soliciting people on the show floor, like flashers or counterfeit watch salesmen on the streets of NYC: “Hey buddy, wanna see something cool?”
Chinese companies will be going around the show covertly taking photos of the products they will counterfeit.
Foreigner will play the after show concert for the 208th year in a row.
Non industry professionals who borrowed passes from their golf industry friends will be scouring the show for all the free golf schwag they can carry in a bag they got at the first booth they visited. “Look at these free tees I got!!! Yippeeeee!!!”
As each show morning comes, every participant will have a bigger hangover and sorer feet.
People will stand in line for TWO hours to hit the latest TaylorMade driver.
Golf Channel TV personalities will cut in line at the hot dog stand in front of us low-lifes who are politely waiting in line. This happened to me more than once!
Educational conferences will cover “growing the game” and new “golf initiatives,” but they will be completely forgotten and ineffective. New drivers will still be $400. Golf will still be too expensive. Golf will still take too long. Handicaps will stay the same. The game will remain difficult…just like the last year and the year before… and so on, and so on.
Parking will suck. Ride the shuttles!
Show food will suck. Pack a lunch.
By the last day of the show, exhibitors will be nodding off to sleep in their booths which they paid $40,000 for. Then, after waking up, they will start packing up the booth many hours before the show ends.
Astonishingly, many expensive booths will be staffed by people who do not speak english. Countless communication problems will likely lead to lost sales.